Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (Prov. 31:30)

By Tobi Ibukun Jaiyeola

It is very common now to go for several years in a relationship with someone that you have no intention of settling down with, some people even spend the rest of their lives with people without ever tying the knot. A few of the reasons you’ll hear are “I don’t believe in marriage”, “it’s easier to leave with no strings attached” or the rather tragic one “I had a bad experience in my childhood.” The list is endless and it is quite unfortunate that it is slowly becoming the norm today.

Don’t miss out on a real and fruitful relationship with someone else simply because you’re caught in something that you should not be in.

Ladies if you are in a romantic relationship and you haven’t had the DTR conversation, you might be setting yourself up for drama. First of all, no matter the context of your relationship, even if you guys are just hanging out, let it be clear to both parties what the relationship is about. Secondly, if your man is unwilling to have that conversation, especially in a serious relationship, you might want to be careful and know what you’re getting yourself into. It will save a lot of heartache in the long run. The fact is you might be thinking one thing “oh we’re fine we’ve been together for this long we should be getting married soon blah blah blah” and on the other end it’s like “oh yea so when I’m done with this one I’ll find me a new wifey to settle down with” and you have no idea because you haven’t had the guts to say “dude what’s up? What are we doing?” Some ladies think it makes them look needy or desperate and it could if you go about it the wrong way, but it is simply taking care of your business. It is about you. Do not set yourself up for heartache or anything related especially if you can help it.

Tina met Femi at a wedding and both hit it off instantly. Femi is a med-student in Harvard and Tina lives in Los-Angeles. Things were going so well that Tina started considering a long-distance relationship with Femi. She decided that before going further she would have the DTR talk. It turned out that they were at different places in their lives. The reason Tina was considering entering a committed relationship was because for her there seemed the possibility of marriage. For Femi it was completely different. He was not looking for anything serious; he just wanted a girl to have around. Both had different pre- and post-marriage views.

What am I trying to say? Do not assume that things will sort themselves out, sometimes they do, but a lot of times there are consequences. Be proactive. Take control of what you can. Don’t miss out on a real and fruitful relationship with someone else simply because you’re caught in something that you should not be in. If you’re already in one and you’re not sure about it, evaluate it with your partner. Ask them where they see the relationship going, see if you both are on the same wavelength.  It is healthy and I strongly recommend it.

Here are a few reasons people are afraid of defining the relationship:

– They don’t want to discover that their relationship has issues. They think “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

–  They’re afraid they’ll end up single. A lot of women dread it because they think they’ll be alone. Why are you trying so hard to be with someone when you haven’t figured out how to be with yourself? Talking about your relationship doesn’t make it over

– They are afraid to speak, period. Some ladies just don’t want to be the clingy or needy girl; the only difference here is you’re not.

In a nutshell just as you would define your goals for a task or project, spell out why you are in a relationship or why you want to be in one. If you have very weak reasons, you might have to decide if it is even necessary. Assess your relationship over time and see areas where you and your partner have grown, these could be values, characters or even traits. Whatever it is, make sure your relationship is growing somewhere. Remember as a woman of God you are bursting with strength that comes from God. Tap into it!

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