Hello ladies! Ever had that one girlfriend who starts dating a random guy and they get serious pretty quick and before you could even say “wasssup” he’s calling all the shots in her life? If you don’t know that girl, you know someone who does, or at least you’ve heard of someone like that.
Ok, let’s back up and try to get to the root of the matter.
Case Study: Eno meets Mofe at a classmate’s party. He seems like a cool guy, laid-back, not really into the party but present all the same. They grab a few drinks, go off to a corner and have a conversation. She thinks he’s cute, not much of a talker but intellectual and she finds that attractive. They exchange numbers and their friendship kicks off. As it turns out he doesn’t attend her University but was at the party because he’s close friends with the celebrant. He starts to visit her a lot at school and soon (about 2-3 weeks) everyone knows him as “Eno’s boyfriend”. Fastforward>>> No one thinks there’s a problem till Mofe starts calling Eno every time asking where she is or who she’s with. I know some of you think that’s cute “oh he wants to know what’s going on”…er NO!! If he’s doing that every hour on the hour, there is a problem. Added to that he thinks she spends more time with her friends than she does him and soon he starts to tear a rift between Eno and her close friends. What baffles me more is that although Eno is aware that this relationship is unhealthy she strongly believes that it’ll get easier once she graduates and they become “closer”
Now as a woman of God it takes a lot of grace not to smack some sense into Eno without hurting her. However, possessive relationships are a delicate issue and if handled wrongly a lot of damage could be done. Those kinds of relationships stem from a history of insecurities, low self-esteem and even narcissism. That boy’s mother probably wound him up all the time as a child and told him he was the best thing in the world and could have anything he wanted OR he could just not have ever felt good enough and once someone came along to give him that, he latched on. It is an expression of unmet emotional needs, but not always. Okay, I’m not trying to make a case for Mofe but my point is, it is a delicate matter.
Ladies if you find yourself in an unhealthy possessive relationship you need to find yourself out of it. It is dangerous psychologically, physically and otherwise. Ever heard the saying “if you love a person set them free.”? If he’s not setting you free and he’s got you on security watch, that’s not cool. If he needs a reaffirmation of love that’s not the way to go about it! You want to be in a healthy relationship that you love and respect each other. The same goes for you ladies. Don’t be calling up on your man every second asking “where are you now?” If you’re so scared he’d leave and you do that, he probably will.
Final note: Sometimes a possessive person can be redeemed and it usually takes a lot of help from their partner, but in a case where you are in no emotional state to help them or if there’s physical abuse involved…RUN!!! Seriously that person needs help and you are probably not in position to give them that help.
By Ibukun Jaiyeola