Just the other day I was reading a Pierce Brosnan magazine interview and everything the interview seemed to be saying pointed to the fact that the former James Bond is “cultured”. A few hours later I was reading another interview n the same magazine and this time around Woody Allen was the interviewee, to cut a long story short, he was also painted in the colours of “cultured”. I found that very interesting considering how I consider these two to be on opposite ends of the spectrum in more ways than one. I couldn’t help but ask myself, “where does that leave me?”which immediately made me think back to my mother’s tales of “Finishing School” and how I often told her I certainly planned to do just that and her ever ready that was something along the lines of ‘stop being dimwitted!’ apparently she was referring to that institution that was apparently able to transform any grimy and unkempt female like say Mercy Johnson or Nicki Minaj to the same level of sophistication as Queen Elizabeth or perhaps Nancy Reagan. (Note: if you don’t like the names I used, feel free to replace them with names of your choice)

My mother you see, loves me very much or I at least believe that’s the reason she’s always asking me to stop eating in my room, stop bullying my younger sister and also to take a lot of fluids daily (my father and I find that last one a wee bit irritating). Speaking of fluids, I must pause here to draw attention to one word; cup. Probably the first word starting with a “c” I learnt as a kid, it is of course a very important part of our lives as people who eat and more importantly drink, or is it? I have reached a stage in my life where I rarely come in contact with these things. Yes, I may see them in the kitchen, in the hands of (and briefly connected to the mouths) of people, in the trash, on TV… the list is endless but they’ve become less of an important fixture in my life. Amusingly legend has it that one of these things in the form commonly known as “mugs” saved my life as a kid (a story for another day). Still hasn’t stopped me from chucking them far away from my daily routine.

Does this mean I rarely take fluids? Absolutely not, I in fact I ingest more fluids than I eat meals daily (the strange fellow that I am), just not with cups. So what do I use then? Well let’s take a look at a typical day in my life. I often wake up and after praying visit the men’s room for a quick No 1 or 2 (sorry for the gory details) and then I ensure I get a drink of the much needed H2O but most likely straight out of the bottle or the “sachet’ (“pure water leather” for more “Nigerian” readers), this constitutes cup betrayal No 1. Next up is breakfast and honestly living and schooling in Northern Nigeria is destroying my addiction for early morning tea (can’t say coffee because my mother might read this) so once again the bottle is used to administer a cold liquid to my tongue. By the time I need to brush, I’ll probably be ready to take a bath and thus I use the water from my bucket (or a bottle will once again suffice). The day’s meals will be accompanied by various drinks from bottles or table water sachets so that by the time the day’s done I’d have betrayed the cup about five times at least! I’m even worse than the Peter in The Bible!

Now what brought on this cold war with cups? I honestly don’t know. Maybe I should have gone to Finishing School to get some tips on how to be “cultured”. I do hope this doesn’t make me seem strange although I doubt that’s the case seeing that I’m a part of the “Facebook Generation”. Yes, the same one that has spawned Soulja Boy and the incomprehensible “black and yellow” chant. I’m sure not being “cultured” can’t be the worst thing ever or can it? I just want it on record that I’m not a bigot and I have nothing against the cup race. I have just somehow found pragmatic alternatives to the cup. If counts for something I want to own a company that manufactures and prints on ceramic mugs sometime in the near future! As for curing this condition, maybe if people took me out to have ice-cream more often

Socially InKorect is a column by Ngbede Akinnusi. He blogs at http://cubescript.blogspot.com/ Follow him on twitter @Ngbede


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